I am hyper-vigilant.
When things are good, my brain believes that they won’t stay that way l long. Contingency plans weave through my consciousness, and What ifs haunt my steps. People ask me “Why are you so serious?” Or “Why are you worried about that?” Because at a young age I learned that the bottom could drop out at any second.
These childhood challenges have manifested into maladaptive adult behaviors. I need an iron grip on control to feel safe. I am a worrier and get defensive. If control slips from my grasp fear bubbles up, and walls go up.
I struggle each day to remember that the danger and uncertainty are gone. That I am safe. I spent so many years in that chaos, that sometime I forget to stay calm.
But I am trying. I have begun to face my past and its legacy. My Mother had her demons and there are certain ways I act because of it. It will always be part of me.
But it will not define me.
My recovery is all about little moments. Recognizing when I’m getting overwhelmed. Knowing when to take deep breaths. Practice other healthy ways of expressing frustration. Understanding that I am safe and can let go.
But most important, my goal is to leave that fear behind me get out there and live.
I am safe.
Things are good.
I have made it this far, and so proud of that.
Life is scary, especially if you have to learn to navigate it by yourself. Especially if you have to work past trauma. But I’m learning how to let go of the past and be free.