My Past

What are you up to this weekend? In New Hampshire we finally have some snow on the ground. It has been a dry boring winter, so the snow is a welcome change. We also are FINALLY done moving. This weekend has been our first calm weekend since December. The down time has given me time to reflect.

Honestly I have been struggling the last few years. I feel unsettled and am struggling to get ahead. My growth has felt stifled. Life has been chaotic, but that is part of being an adult. I look around and see people overcoming what I can’t. only recently, have I begun to realize that the issue is bigger. My struggles have to do with my past.

My Mother was a alcoholic. She drank heavily, and was verbally abusive. I witnessed many nasty fights as a child. I hid that fact from the world for years. During my early twenties, I was bulletproof. I had escaped unscathed. I was willing to accept that my childhood had made me stronger, but ingored the damage that had been done.

Trauma… It was trauma. The type that digs deep into your soul, and changes you. It can break you, if you let it. The first twenty eight years of my life were spent running from that. I put a strong face onto it, and ignored until it caught up with me.

I am only beginning to realize the depth of the challenges. My defenses are always up, which has made building relationships hard. I struggle with debilitating worry that harms my health. Easily overwhelmed, I have outbursts of intense, uncontrollable emotion. My brain simply can’t handle even small issues. Everything is a perceived threat. I am terrified of conflict, and so hard on myself. The scars are deep, and I am still coming to terms what that means for my life. The damage has held me back. It is time to face it.

2019 will be a building year. It will be focused on my personal development. To be successful, I need to face my past. It is also important for my happiness. I decided to write about it today, on a whim. I need to own the past, to give it life. That is the only way I will be able to get past it. I hope that this can help someone out there who is struggling with the same thing. We can all get through this, the first step is facing it.

Till next time

-Colleen

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