Gathering Darkness

The days are getting shorter here in New Hampshire. The nights are dark and the temps are steadily dropping. Soon Winter coats will be pulled from closets and snow will fall.  Honestly, I’m not ready for it. Summer passed quickly, and we only had a few short weeks of Fall. Up north snow has been sighted, and I have a feeling we are in for a Winter. We are tumbling into Winter and the darkness and cold it brings.

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Receding Fall.

Truth is,  as I have gotten older Winters hit me hard.

Last year was the worst that I have ever had. We had a deep freeze mid December, and I was stuck inside for two weeks.  Life suddenly got very heavy. No matter what I did, I couldn’t pull myself out of my rut. I was sad all of the time,  and couldn’t quantify why. My emotions ran wild, and I barely had control over things. Things were hard, and I could not escape it.

I have some ideas on what may have caused it. The deep freeze was a major part of it. We also lost our dog to cancer. Birdie was a moral support for me. I have a tenancy of being ruled by my emotions. When  I would get overwhelmed and start crying, Bird would always be there to lick my tears away. Her death left a void.

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My job was not ideal either. I was dealing with a terrible boss that idea of motivation was micromanaging and verbal abuse. With depression based self esteem issues, that is the last thing I needed. Any addressing it would lead to retaliation, It got to the point where I would cry endlessly on Sunday nights. It was a negative environment, and one I  eventually separated from.

These things together pulled me into despair that I didn’t come out of until June. They made the Winter terrible, and I don’t want to repeat it. The scariest part of it was that I couldn’t be happy. I am generally a positive person, and to be clouded with such negativity really shot me.

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So what to do about it? One good thing is that I am aware of it now. That enables me to better fight it. I usually love winter, so to realize halfway through that I was depressed caught me off guard. This Winter, I’m going to work on getting out more even when I don’t feel like it. I’m also going to focus on taking quiet retrospective time, and being mindful. I also am  taking proactive steps. I want to get as much sunshine as I can. I am going to eat healthy, and begin to take vitamin D too. We also have a new member of our family. In June we brought home a Australian Shepard puppy. Just like Bird, she licks my tears from face. Funny how life comes full circle like that.

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My Husband, Birdie and I

Maddie

Hopefully the prep will pay off, but only time will tell.

Do any of you suffer from a similar struggle? Or have a suggestion on how to address mine? Let me know in the comments.

 

Colleen

Published by Colleen

My name is Colleen, and I am a writer and photographer from New Hampshire. I love exploring and discovering. I write pieces that focus around the history and landscape of New England, and other things that may come to mind.

One thought on “Gathering Darkness

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