First or Third?

Hello All.

Hope that everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. Sorry I have not been around too much I have been busy, working, taking pictures and writing. About a week ago I finished my first major edit on my manuscript. I took about a week off from it,  and I am looking forward to returning to it this week.

Yet, I have a major issue. I wrote the draft in third, and I am not sure if that is the case that I want to continue to write in. So I have decided to reach out to my amazing community of writers and readers for some help. I will be posting two samples, and I would love any reader feedback on which is better. Thank you all so much for your help!

 

First

Maybel gazed at us over the table with an even glance. “Explain to me once again why I will be defending both of you again” I shrugged, shifting uncomfortably in my chair, careful to avoid Maydels gaze. Leaning down I was sure to let my hair fall into my face, hoping that it would block Mabel sharp gaze. Yet nothing would deter her. As soon as we came in the house with bloody lips and scraped up hands she knew. We had been fighting with the Schwarzen again. Maydel continued to look on, and we all sat there silent, no one daring to say a word. “Wendel was picking on an older women in the square” Peter swooped in “Yelling at her and shoving her.” “That seems to always be a common theme to these stories” Maydel said quietly. “All I did was challenge him!” My voice broke from my body before I had time to think anything through. I looked up at Maydel defiantly, unwilling to give an inch.“ I only shoved him after he had put his hands on me.” The outburst came out much harsher than expected. Sitting back and folding my arms, I gazed up at Maydel, looking for her reply. Peter glanced over the table, yet I ignored him. It was stupid that anyone had to answer for this. Heavy silence hung in the air, keeping everyone glued to their spots, as if for just a moment time had stopped. Peter sat across the table from me, his disproving glance, making me feel uncomfortable. Madyel had looked away, and I could see she was trying to craft what she was going to say to us. Her dark hair was tied up and I could see the grey that had begun to show. She folded her arms over her old worn out apron before turning his gaze on us

 

Third

Maybel gazed over the table with an even glance. “Explain to me once again why I will be defending both of you again” Rachlin shrugged, shifting uncomfortably in her chair careful to avoid Maydels gaze. She sat hunched over, and her light brown hair hung down past her shoulders, blocking her face from Maybels sharp gaze. They sat there for a couple moment before anyone dared to speak. “Wendel was picking on an older women in the square” Peter swooped in “Yelling at her and shoving her.” “That seems to always be a common theme to these stories” Maydel said quietly. “All I did was challenge him!” Rachlin suddenly burst out in protest her hazel eyes darting upwards.“ I only shoved him after he had put his hands on me.” Rachlin immediately regretted the sharp tone she had taken. Yet she felt as if she had done the right thing. She sat back folding her arms over her chest and looking at Maydel stubbornly. Peter glanced at her over the table, yet Rachlin ignored him. She was angry that she had to answer for all of this. Rachlin and Peter sat at the table quietly. Maybel sat at the window. Her dark hair was tied up in a tight bun and Rachlin could see streaks of gray starting to show. She folded her arms over her old worn out apron before turning his gaze on her children.

 

Thank you all so much!

Colleen

 

Published by Colleen

My name is Colleen, and I am a writer and photographer from New Hampshire. I love exploring and discovering. I write pieces that focus around the history and landscape of New England, and other things that may come to mind.

2 thoughts on “First or Third?

  1. I’m swaying slightly more towards third.

    What is the character’s name who you seem to refer to on numerous occasions as either “Maydel’, ‘Maybel’ or ‘Mabel’? Or are they separate people? I understand your novel is in its early editing stages, but I couldn’t help but feel distracted by this.

    In the end, it’s up to you. “Do what feels right” as people say.

    Warmly,
    Tiegan

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maydel is one charachter but im struggling with the name, I hate the name but the last edit I wanted to focus on the flow of the story but it will be changing ! Thank you so much for the feedback

    Like

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